come to me, my love

for i have a secret to share

i have been born

to be your spirit healer

to light that darkness

that creeps up not so rare

come to me, my love

i want to fill your hunger

the hole so deep

i swear i’ll make you stronger

come to me, my love

for i need to your touch, too

wrap yourself around me

with the tightness and warmth

that i long from you

come to me, my love

free those fears you have

let me wipe the wetness

off those weary eyes

kiss me with your tender lips

let’s chase away the madness

together, my love

why, must i endure

the weight of this darkness

so heavy on my small shoulders?

why, give me this pain

when there seems no solution

to its end?

why, why, why me?

pathetic, i know

why- the world carries much more weight than me

famine, wars, pure evil doers

suffering children and animals

why, must i be so selfish?

complaining of my selfish little demons

my child asks, mom will you be better tomorrow?

a feeble excuse of a mother

i hope so, baby.  i hope so…

why, why, why….

it came to me

a shadow of a thought

or was it a dream?

i was utterly alone

poof, my mommy and daddy gone

who were these strangers?

my body and mind turned ice cold

then the darkness, utter darkness

I dreamnt that night

that I peed in the bowl

only to awake with my underwear soaked

daylight came and even the strangers were gone

the eyes of the woman in the painting

followed me, could not escape her glare

days turned to weeks

my body and mind turned to stone

acceptance that they would never come back

i became a bad bad girl

i soaked and pooped my pants

oh, i was punished

i was a bad bad girl

(my first memory, 2 years old)

Hi everyone.  I am a sufferer of major depression.  I am writing despite the fact that I am currently in a depressive mode.  Ok.  Depression.  Pain.  Suicidal ideation.  It all sucks sucks sucks.  But, I have a child.  Deep down, I don’t feel like I have the choice to end it on my own.  I envy those who have, or seem to, have that choice.  This is when I’m I’m at my lowest.  Problem is I reach the low moments often.  Especially when there’s a lot of stress, my meds aren’t working or just apparently for no reason it comes crashing down on me just when I think I’m finally rid of it.

I love my simple life.  People tell me to be grateful for the good in my life.  The fact is these people just don’t fuckin get that, mentally, I know that!  …. to be continued.